How to talk with others about spanking

Telling others about your kink…

Jayda sent me a mail and asked me to consider doing an essay/post about kink aware professionals and whether or not to tell your doctor about your lifestyle. I’ve actually been asked this question or a related one about DD and what if some well meaning person called the police, a number of times. I’ve attempted to address it those other times too. And I will now here too.

Please note that this is not a legal opinion, nor can I ever hope to predict how any specific doctor, nurse or law enforcement professional will process your disclosure. I’m going to speak to this from my experience as a spanked wife, a nurse with almost five years of ER experience, a Risk and Quality management professional who’s spent 5 years researching and answering medico legal questions and the wife of a cop.

From the medical perspective: A whole lot depends on how you present to them. There are laws that require us to report cases of suspected abuse, although in the case of adults, we really MUST have a compelling reason and their consent to do so. With children, a niggling worry is all it takes and the scale is tipped toward telling authorities.

A woman who broaches the subject herself stands a good chance of being listened to. How she broaches the subject will be a factor. Be confident. Make it clear you like what you are into. An approach like, “hey doc. My husband and I get into some really intense and hard kinky play, but look at my bottom. Can you help me with some advice that will let me take more without so much bruising?” is going to go a lot further assuring your doctor you are safe, than you answering hesitantly and with shame if they ask you how you got marked like that.

If you are over 18, in most states, unless you consent to disclosure, neither your doctor nor emergency department personnel can report abuse, unless you present unconscious and they have reason to believe the cause is related to your injuries.

Please be advised though, we (medical professionals) really have to do our very best to make sure you are safe. We will, and we must, apply some pressure to make sure. So, practice your answers. This IS a consensual lifestyle after all. The only real issue is your personal level of comfort and embarrassment about your kink. The more insecure and uncertain you seem the higher the risk that red flags will go up.

Abuse is insidious. Abusers ‘enjoy’ a terrible advantage and for too long maintain control over their victims, and too many victims protect and speak up for their abusers out of fear. We’re taught about this. We know it, and we are supposed to break you down and look for signs that you’re in trouble and need us to intervene for you because you are powerless to help yourself.

Yes Jayda, my OB/GYN knows I am into spanking, and no he’s not on the KAP (kink aware professionals) list. He has not reported me to adult protective services, and he has not pressured me to seek counseling. I brought it up. I set the mood and the ground work for he discussion. I kept it professional, and I made sure to keep the focus sexual. My sexuality is after all his realm. If I could not reach orgasm, he should be among the people I could approach. The key for me is, he is someone who listens. If he wasn’t I would not waste my time or money giving him business.


From the legal perspective: Unfortunately, the legal system is not as humanistic or as potentially responsive as the medical community is. But remember, their focus has to be different. Even criminals need compassion and care, but they are still guilty 9 times out of 10. Docs & nurses do the caring, cops & judges make sure they pay. In virtually all states now, police are trained NOT to listen to women whom they have reason to believe may be an abuse victim. The dynamic of abuse is so despicably perfect (and awful) that it is far safer and more appropriate for them to ignore the victim no matter how calm, intelligent and reasonable they seem. For this reason, all of us who consent and submit to spanking, in particular to disciplinary spanking where we might fight and argue about it in the moment, are at risk.

We executed a DD affidavit and had it witnessed by our attorney and notarized at his office. We keep it in a tube in our freezer with our medical power of attorney stuff. It basically says that I consent to be spanked for discipline at Mark’s discretion. We stipulated that bondage is not allowed for discipline otherwise it makes it clear that I consent to being spanked for discipline.

The thing is, you really can’t consent to give up your rights to say NO in advance. Not when it can be argued that you couldn’t anticipate the full dimension of the situation before you were faced with it. This will always leave a spanker in a DD relationship at risk for retaliation and repercussions.

The affidavit at least establishes, with some objectivity, that this is my willing choice. We hope neither of us will face having to defend it.

It’s kind of crummy that we have to live with the legacy of domestic violence. But then if I were a wife being spanked against my will, and in an abusive situation, I would need things to be the way they are….

Dunno if this helps or not… but there ya go… if I can make word go into Dreamweaver properly so I can code it, I will post a copy of our affidavit (sans personal details of course…)

Also, since you already are here  🙂 I put a very comprehensive How-To together, for all the people out there who want to get in domestic discipline…

There are chapters on the lifestyle and introducing it, living life in the lifestyle, a detailed description of tools, and much more… Each chapter contains valuable tips and habits that you can apply to your life. I wrote this book because there are no such books out there (!), and … we have developed our relationship with Domestic Discipline so far, that I now consider myself as an expert 🙂

 … write me you like it !

Click here to read a detailed description, or go to Amazon and click here for more!



10 thoughts on “How to talk with others about spanking

  1. Thanks for your perspective, Constance! 🙂

    Although, I personally think… this may be naive, but don’t abusers usually hit women differently?
    This may be naive, but, I mean, I’d imagine an abuse victim to have marks in the face or arms and so on, and when I get consensually spanked by my boyfriend I only have marks on my behind, that’s it. That should be easy to differentiate for professionals.

    I somehow have a hard time imagining an abuse victim would be spanked over the knee. That’s… way too intimate and thoughtful, not what I imagine a real brute to act like.


  2. I never comment; I’m strictly a reader. But thought I’d chime in on the topic abuse vs DD. I was married unhappily for 15 years to a very vanilla male, not a dominate bone in his body. Intellectually and financially compatible, but not sexually.

    Five years after he passed away, I was ready to date, this time searching for a more dominant male. I ended up in a relationship with a very abusive male. I lived in complete fear; I walked on eggshells. I never knew what would cause an explosive outrage. He abused out of anger and tore me down. He would violently punch and kick in unseen places like chest and stomach. After a year of abuse, I had to have him removed by police, followed by court dates, restraining orders, and relocated to hide.

    A few years later, I met a wonderful man. Alpha male qualities in the bedroom, some old fashioned relationship views, but very gentle, loving, and caring. (And just fyi, neither of us are Christian nor religious).

    I explained past relationship problems, and what I always wanted. After he proposed, I presented the information about DD to him. He was hesitant of course, “I could never lay a hand on a woman. I would be terrified I’d hurt you.” He agreed to research for himself. He thought a lot about it and to take it all in. He finally said we could give it a try. Started slow, lots of communication, what the expectations were, disciplining, eventually added maintenance and stress release spankings (stress relief for both, for as much as receiving a spanking calms me, giving a spanking equally relaxes him).

    After two years of practicing DD, I do not live in fear of him. I feel loved and safe. Everything is intimate, arousing, and loving. We build each other up and have great communication. I love submitting to him and trust him. After a spanking, no matter which kind, I always feel relaxed, secure, loved, and happy.

    To me, there is no comparison of my former abusive relationship to my current consensual ttwd DD relationship.


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