As DD evolves and the Fantasy fades…. What to expect when you live it….
Originally I was going to title this “when DD fails and the fantasy fades…” but in all seriousness, I don’t think couples really ever fail when they set out and try to explore something deep and sexually meaningful together. And failure is really something each person has to measure for themselves…. Against the goals they set for themselves and the degree of satisfaction they find at each stage as they revisit and refine them.
For Mark and I, few of our goals ever look the same a year out after we start to work together to shoot for them. They change and evolve and sometimes even get tossed away. Some, like our commitment to each other and vows to stay together for life, hangout there solid and strong, if a little tested and battered; yet others like where we wanted to be living, how much money we wanted to have by now, how often we wanted to have sex every day, or how in control of my temper I would become as I got older are morphed and changed and still OK.
For the few F/M and switch partners who visit and share this blog, please excuse the gender bias in my little essay. My life and experience is with the M/F dynamic, and so that’s the reference I will use.
DD, a life where a husband is the head of household, and where he assumes the role of disciplinarian when issues arise where there is stress in the relationship, and where most often spanking is the preferred method of reinforcing that discipline, is not an easy life to choose in today’s society. Compounding it is the reality that many of the couples who embark on the journey to try, are doing so in an effort to live one or the other’s fantasy.
When I think about all the ramifications of just that last part, I am amazed that any couple succeeds.
The challenges of DD are significant, and they begin from the substance of the fantasy. Is it based on submission, or spanking or some combination of both? And they extend to the partner’s ability to comprehend the fantasy and suspend judgment of the partner who’s shared it. From there they weave through the landmines of communication, mixed messages and misunderstandings. How well can she express what she wants and needs, and then if she’s successful with that, how easily can she adapt to the tweak he will put on living it? The crux, I believe is in reconciling the disparity between the fantasy and the reality of the disciplinary event. This is probably the most emotionally charged element of DD. After that come the challenge of finding a balance where one real head of household is reality.
The original basic fantasy itself is probably one of the keys to what the challenges will be. Is it hers, or his? Is it based primarily on a desire to be submissive, or is it based more deeply in the desire to be spanked? Or conversely, if it’s his, does it feed on a desire to dominate and nurture, or a desire to spank?
From my own perspective, there are two primary fantasies at play. I desire spanking. I enjoy the idea of a naughty woman being taken over a strong man’s lap and spanked hard whether she likes it or not, and maybe even better if she doesn’t like it at all. I also am intensely turned on by the idea of a man who is seething with dominance ordering and making me do something in order to comply with his will. They are compatible, and they make for very diverse bedroom play.
But my fantasies, intense and satisfying as they are, are one dimensional. I control them absolutely. I can stop tape, rewind, shift gears and modify them, even while I am actively running them through my mind. In my fantasy, he’s dominating me, but there’s only the fringe of the hint of the idea that I’m mad at him at the time. My outrage is superficial, because I want him to win, I know he’s going to win, and when he does I will cum hard. In my fantasy, whatever I have done wrong has no capacity to create upset. It is simply the premise for the interlude, the scolding, the spanking and the rollicking good orgasm that I will get.
In my real life, I’m never “bad” for real. I’m just me, a reasonably decent woman, who tries hard and does the right thing almost always. I have a shitty temper and I can say really nasty things to people I care about deeply. I can also act on impulse in spite of what I know he wants or would want. I forget important things, and I sometimes ignore important things. And I am married to a man who is just as human.
When there is a reckoning due for something I have caused, I am never the one dimensional hellion in my fantasies. I may, on rare occasions really be a hellion, and I may have it coming, but I also have very real reasons for doing the things I do; reasons that deserve respect, whether my husband can understand them or not. Accepting that he gets to call me on it and spank me because of it is no longer just a ritual or mechanism to get a spanking. It can be an assault on my ego.
The disciplinary or “punishment” spankings in my life bear virtually no meaningful resemblance to the ones in my fantasy.
The woman who desires submission has to deal with the disparity between submitting in fantasy and submitting in reality. The reality comes with baggage. And when she lives with a normal human male who has weaknesses and faults, submission in a disciplinary situation can require swallowing some pretty large “in the moment” pills of contempt and anger.
The woman who desires spanking has to deal with the strong feelings and emotional pain that come with real disciplinary spankings… Not to mention real physical pain that is just not there in the fantasy.
Both have to reconcile that the reality is simply not their fantasy.
What about the woman who’s fantasy is nebulous? It involves a strong man, a woman in need of boundaries, who’s boundaries are reinforced by spanking and who feels loved and protected in the envelop of the whole thing… but she really doesn’t know which part of it is really her ticket. She wants the spanking, she wants the strong man and she wants the boundaries and limits… Until she tries it on for size, she can’t know, but when she does try it on, the reality, the swirl of reactions and feelings remain just as intangible if not more so.
And what about the partner?
“She said if I spanked her when she did this or that her behavior would improve, and here she is worse than ever.” “I know she’s just doing that so I’ll spank her, and damned if I’m going to reward her for something I don’t like.” “She said she wanted me to be consistent, but when I decide she’s in for it, she argues and argues and begs me to let her off.” “She says she wants me to be the decider, but the first time I say this is how it’s going to be she hits the roof and fights me.” “She says spanking her will help her feel more loved and cherished, but when I give her a serious spanking for something we agreed was important, she becomes sullen and withdrawn.” “How can I be serious and consistent spanking her for things I am just as guilty of doing myself, I feel like a hypocrite.”
For us, there came a reckoning. A series of knock down drag out fights over the balance of power and the real dynamic of ‘punishment.’ I am a smart autonomous woman who is not controlled by my husband, not even when he is royally pissed off with me, and not even when he is right and I am wrong. I have bad moments and can be a real beotch but it is not his job to fix me and it is certainly not his right to show me ‘the error of my ways.’ He will have the final say, but never without first hearing me out and respecting my input.
We are a couple who share goals, values, and love for each other. We’re also both quite pragmatic, and really appreciate tackling problems and issues directly and quickly. Even though we are also both wired for spanking and I know that helps, I personally believe that what came of the reckoning and our preference for immediate and open handling of conflict are really the two main factors.
We spank for sex and play. That’s another key. That’s where we get our fix for submission and domination, and spanking.
We also spank to close the issue when there has been stress between us. He does not punish me for being bad. I am simply not bad. While I know I can expect to be spanked if I really fuck up, it will not be because I fucked up. It will be after we have talked out and put away everything awful about the fact that I fucked up. The ‘punishment’ spanking in our house never happens until we are both past the worst. It’s a physical and emotional catharsis that we both use to burn off all the negative energy of whatever the issue is.
The real point of the punishment dynamic in DD, I think anyway, is not about getting or giving a spanking. It’s about forcing communication and discussion about what happened and why; what it means to each couple and individual, and how to avoid it next time; or (and here’s a radical idea) how to accept and adapt to the reality that it very probably will happen again, and the discussion and spanking just diffuses the animosity and stress for now. We (Mark and I) use it to ritualize our re-connection.
The rules and structure couples start out with, and the legacy of the juvenile concept of ‘punishment’ that is the fuel for most spanking related fantasies are starting points… but they have to evolve.
Well…. I think I rambled aimlessly enough through these ideas…. Who knows someday I may actually figure some things out in the exercise of plodding through my thoughts…. I sure hope some of this ramble made sense… if not… oh well…. hope you survived reading it without exploding with disgust. LOLOL….
Off to feed my son… see ya’ll later…
Also, since you already are here 🙂 I put a very comprehensive How-To together, for all the people out there who want to get in domestic discipline…
There are chapters on the lifestyle and introducing it, living life in the lifestyle, a detailed description of tools, and much more… Each chapter contains valuable tips and habits that you can apply to your life. I wrote this book because there are no such books out there (!), and … we have developed our relationship with Domestic Discipline so far, that I now consider myself as an expert 🙂
… write me you like it !