I get these periods of confusion now and then as I visit and read websites where folks share their exploration of this “lifestyle.” I see a lot of people trying to box them selves into a pre-built construct as if the life they’re going to live with their partner has to have one shape with fixed corners and lines. And I see them struggle trying to fit themselves inside the shape like the proverbial square pegs in to round holes. I want to shake them sometimes. DD is not a cookie cutter lifestyle that people can step into… it’s something that has to be built together. Done right, it will never look the same on any two couples. I read Amber & Claire say they’re at peace now in the knowledge that DD isn’t for them … then I read them describe what has taken it’s place, and I smile… Ah ha! The reality of living with a flesh & blood man and their own living breathing reactions and feelings has made the “Taken in Hand” fantasy fade. Something better has evolved from the attempt at living it, but to them it’s no longer DD. OK, if they say so, but to me, what they describe is an even more perfect version of the fantasy than what they started with was. Something that fits them even better than the cookie cutter did….
In my (not so humble but very experienced) opinion, DD is nothing more than two people who love each other seeking a balance where stressors get dealt with openly and honestly TOGETHER, and there is an expectation of mutual accountability when one partner applies stress to the relationship. Mutual accountability is NOT one punishing the other it is both taking a role in getting the stressor out of the way so they can move on together away from it. The typical balance seems to have one partner take on the role of leader, captain, head of household, or whatever term a couple prefers to use. But this single leader deal is not required (in my opinion). In fact, I think MOST adult partnerships have to have two leaders so that each can have breathing room, down time and a chance to recharge.
DD also does not have to involve spanking at all.
DD is not, the man is the boss, wife obeys him, husband staying on top of everything wife gets into, managing her behavior with maintenance or punishment spankings, and it is not about domination or submission. Instead it is about both partners being interested and involved in each other, including facing that they can and the why’s of how they piss each other off. Doing that requires communication, commitment, respect and trust. When it works well, the love only deepens and as a side effect, so often does intimacy…
I think that women enjoy the fantasy of a dominant husband to “takes them in hand,” and men enjoy a reciprocal fantasy too. Also there’s spanking involved in almost every case… in fact, the spanking fetish is the driving force behind the fantasy… so they’ve got to have a mechanism for the spanking fix to get worked in. From there, they try to build DD. It’s OK and natural to try to have something that seems like it could be so good. The thing is, real people don’t fit into fantasies very well.
For one thing, men and women rarely see the fantasy the same way, and there’s a whole lot of work to be done stepping back, when things end up feeling different that you wanted or expected, to figure out whether it’s because you’re working from different pages of the same fantasy or two different ones altogether…
Also, since you already are here 🙂 I put a very comprehensive How-To together, for all the people out there who want to get in domestic discipline…
There are chapters on the lifestyle and introducing it, living life in the lifestyle, a detailed description of tools, and much more… Each chapter contains valuable tips and habits that you can apply to your life. I wrote this book because there are no such books out there (!), and … we have developed our relationship with Domestic Discipline so far, that I now consider myself as an expert 🙂
… write me you like it !