What is spanking?

For many spankos ‘spanking’ has been a focus of our fantasies. I have noticed that male and female spankos seem to relate histories that sound almost like a blueprint.

No matter what the ‘culture’ of discipline in a spankos’ home was while they were growing up, the word ‘spank’ took on a power in their minds and lives. Dictionary and thesaurus pages were marked. Books like Tom Sawyer, True Grit and To Kill a Mockingbird, were spirited out of the library never to be returned, and in time were worn so that they fell open to the spanking pages on their own. Every movie, television program, book, even cartoon with the mere hint of spanking became favorites and fueled fantasies. Some of us even included spanking in our neighborhood games. For most of us it has been a secret ‘obsession,’ and now, thanks to the internet, we are able to share it with others. 

What is spanking though?

For me, it is an element of my fantasies, and it is a consequence for failure in some aspects of my life. I both crave and revel in the physical experience of it, and tremble in fear of the physical experience of it. Yet the act is one thing.


I am wired for spanking to be of value for me both as a reward, and as a punishment. And it is both of those things. Does this mean that punishments are rewards, or that rewards are punishments? I have a hard time thinking of anything else like it in this regard (effective as both a reward and a punishment).

Spanking alone is a physical act, but in spankos’ lives it becomes ‘human.’ We give it meaning by putting it into contexts that fit our needs, wants and desires.

The physical experience of a spanking, no matter why it is given to me, results in physical sexual arousal. In fact the knowledge that I am going to be spanked, starts this physical reaction. I have experienced orgasm during erotic play, and even a few times when I was crying and struggling in the desperate circumstances of a severe punishment. In the case of erotic play my arousal is wanted and voluntary. In the case of punishment, it happens in spite of my real feelings and desires in the moment.

So is spanking a sexual act?

I think probably the answer is yes. And I think that this physiologic reality is the underlying feature of spanking that fuels the controversy of it in society. We can argue about it when it comes to children etc, but the argument is moot. I think we (the spankos) are ultimately going to be the proof that it is, at least physiologically a sexual act.

OK back to spanking and what it is in my life.

A spanking is sex play, but it’s really the fantasies and interactions between me & my partner that make it the intensely pleasurable experience that it is in the context of deliberate sex play. The sting wouldn’t really be the exquisite experience that it is in this context, without the things my mind is doing with it.

A spanking is a punishment, but it is really the reason it is being administered and the interaction between the partners that make it the correcting experience that it is in the context of punishment. That the sting hurts in this context, and the emotional experience is unpleasant is a factor of the intellectual meaning of the act now.

Why does the spanker experience sexual arousal in both contexts too? Even vanilla people who are recruited by spankos to spank them experience sexual arousal when they spank; why?

As I suggest above, spanking is a sexual act on a physiologic level. I have a theory about why it may be too.

Besides the fact that it is intimate contact with an erogenous zone of our bodies, spanking is an act of power and dominance. And like our physical erogenous zones, the area of our brains that take on these functions are wired to our sensuality engine… the autonomic nervous system (ok ok big words, but hey) this is the part of us that makes us sensual beings. The sensory experiences of anger, pleasure, fear, and comfort, are all generated and moderated by this same basic part of us.

I also think it’s the emotional meaning of power and dominance for each individual that distinguishes real spankos from real vanillas. Meanings evolve based on experiences.

I have a theory that it is the physiologic sexual arousal associated with the power and dominance of giving a spanking that has helped make it the subject of so much controversy. We (North America) are after all a very prudish culture. If sex is in the equation, it becomes carnal and taboo. We cannot seem to separate the context from the physicality. And we seem to need to feel ashamed of basic physiologic reactions that can occur without any thoughts or motives at all. If we could just under stand the physiology, and acknowledge it for what it is, we could avoid labeling ourselves.

I am not just ‘turned on’ by the prospect of a spanking in erotic play, I am intensely turned on by being dominated as a prelude to that spanking. The most erotic spanking stories for me are those in which the character who spanks is firmly in command, and exerts his authority in a preamble to the act of spanking the woman who has done something to deserve it. If it’s done well, I will have to seek out my husband for some closure of my own, and if he’s not handy, I will masturbate. Yup, I’m a dirty li’l gal. The real thing is simply unequalled. A stern determined man (my husband) is sexier than any chip ‘n dale dancer.

A spanker is going to have to describe what it is about the prospect of giving a spanking that arouses them.

Why, if it’s sexual, is spanking such a good punishment? For me, I think it is because it is a very intense physical experience for both the person being spanked and the spanker. It is a very aggressive act, and for both parties there is a huge expenditure of energy. We can understand the exhausting effect of intense physical exercise, and most of us understand the exhausting effect of a good cry. I think it makes for a profound catharsis that has intense physiologic and hormonal effects.

Physiologically, the act of spanking activates the whole body. The entire nervous system fires off in rapid fire and becomes intensely active. You could fill a volume or two describing the chemistry and physiology of what is happening… but the end result is a tremendous release of energy.

For me though the end result is, I feel calm, peaceful, and comfortable. Add to that the intimacy and closeness I feel with my husband and it doesn’t matter why it was necessary any more, everything is right again. He tells me that the physical and emotional experience is similar for him. Maybe others can validate that from their own perspective.

The physical (physiologic, chemical etc) aftermath of spanking, is part of it, but it is the context we give it as well. It is an emotionally satisfactory experience because we make it that way.

So spanking is an act that has to have and emotional context. It is physiologically sexual, and it can be psychologically sexual. A true spanko is wired to appreciate the context…


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8 thoughts on “What is spanking?

  1. In a continuum ranging from love pats to the derriere to some women used to describe as getting their butt beat, spanking is communication. It can say everything from let’s make love to don’t you ever dare do that again.

    Spanking is a universal language that transcends cultures and generations. Quite frequently, as many a young woman has found out, it is treated as a coin of the realm for paying off accumulated debts of behavior. As some it the alternative definitions of spanking suggest, it allows one to begin anew with a fresh attitude and a slate wiped clean.

    On a purely practical level, spanking is largely defined by both custom and expectation. Some of it is based on anticipations and past experience. Other parts develop through continued experiences.

    There are also cultural and regional differences. Spanking with a belt is widely accepted in the Midwest and South. It is less appreciated in the Northeast and on the West Coast.

    While not always the case, spanking of any type is more likely to be treated with suspicion by white women will college educations. On the other hand, women of color are more likely to be receptive to the feel of a provoked man’s hand connecting with their backside if they cross certain boundaries of behavior.


  2. Hi, I’ve been into spanking since I was in my teens but never got involved until my 20’s. I always had a safe word except for discipline spanking with my boyfriend. It is “Superman” three times in a row, but I never used it. I’m not sure if I’m the only one but I have such a extremely high pain tolerance that when we first started he would stop because of the condition of my backside before I ever used my safe word, even when it was suppose to be a discipline style. He would never get me to cry. He calls me “Supergirl” buns of steel.” He’d always used thick wooden implements or thick western belts. He is always afraid of going too far. He always felt bad about the bruises and welts he would leave but I expected it. He’s also always gave me slower types whacks too. I finally got him to not be afraid hit hard but I’d be bruised up to bad for him and he end up stopping before it even affected me. This went on for like a year and we were both frustrated because no matter how hard he whack it barely got a response from me. We talked and finally found something that worked during a discipline spanking. He switched me one time and that got me yelping a lot and even hop up and down. We discovered that it was what he was using and the way he was applying them. We learned that lighter and stingy implements were the trick. Also, my pain tolerance goes down with the brisk fast type swats and more lengthy. He was concerned at first because he felt he was wailing on me. It took a while for use to both get use to it. The implements now are switches (hate them), thin but durable ruler type paddles, curtain rods and thin leather office belts (hate them). For discipline spankings, he now knows exactly how make me cry. I have to have rapid fire swats from the beginning, very lengthy and no warm up. Am I the only one who has such a high pain tolerance that needs such extreme measure for it to be effective?


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