I’ve lost count now. Not that I should be keeping one, but I’ve always felt I should do more than just shrug off some of the painful mails I’ve gotten from people who’ve been victims of childhood abuse and find themselves in a conflicted state when they find this blog.
Why spanking, and why DD? Why be a willing participant in a relationship with an overbearing man who thinks he’s omniscient?
Apart from the fact that that last question is unfair, unfounded and highly inflammatory and invites an angry response from me, I’ve been trying to get a handle on the issues and questions these people seem to share.
“I don’t understand how the pain and humiliation of a spanking is a good thing! I got beaten so frequently as a child, even into my late teens and the thought of re-living that disgusts me.”
I wish there was a simple way to demonstrate how so far removed my relationship with Mark is from the painful experiences of a child who has survived abuse. My husband has never ‘beaten me.’ My parents never did either. I had two teachers who invaded my reality and used spanking for its coercive power, but I’ve really never been beaten in my life. At least not physically. All I can say is that in my reality, it is possible to be strong and firm with someone and not perpetrate abuse or incite fear, it is also possible to submit and not cower in fear.
poem-earn-such-a-pain
My relationship with Mark exists first on a foundation of love and respect. When spanking comes up between us the reality is so far removed form the reliving of a child’s abusive experience, I can’t begin to grasp how to describe it. One thing is that we’ve agreed it’s earned before it ever happens, next, next is that using spanking is a mutually sexually satisfactory choice and it serves as a catharsis for a lot of shit, but most important it’s used in a loving context where he acts because I need him to, and I give over to him because I need to and he welcomes me.
I’m very sad that so many people have been victims of abuse. Sadder still when there are hints that they share my kink and their history has damaged their ability to embrace the best of what could be for them.
First of all a strong relationship is built on love and respect. If it lasts 7 years and both partners can speak out happily for their connection there has to have been a comfortable balance achieved.
“What is good about bruises? What is good about submitting to your husband to the point that he is omnicient and omnipotent in your relationship?”
Let’s leave the bruises till the end OK…. They’re sexual and exciting and way off the real topic.
What is good about submitting is that it is not to my husband at all. I submit to us. I submit to our shared goals, needs and desires and promises we’ve made to each other … put on the table a time or two or three or four hundred thousand times since we’ve been together… and both of us keep coming back to. Mark’s not omniscient, our partnership is. BOTH of us own and pay for things we do that work at cross purposes to us. I pay with spanking, because that is what works best for me. He pays too in ways that support us, and our respect for each other.
I’m at a loss for how else to explain. I am so sad that the legacy of abuse makes the best of my reality so elusive and unfathomable to some.
Spanking and discipline, submission and being dominated should never feel wrong, it should never feel dirty and should never leave someone feeling damaged, injured or hurt… It is my experience that these things feel right and have always helped me feel whole, strong and well.
Why spanking and DD? It’s right for me.
& back to bruises… oooh my… when given to me to carry for a reason… they are so cool and work to help with so many things….
Why indeed… is there really an answer for anyone who can’t let go of what was and embrace what could be?
Also, since you already are here 🙂 I put a very comprehensive How-To together, for all the people out there who want to get in domestic discipline…
There are chapters on the lifestyle and introducing it, living life in the lifestyle, a detailed description of tools, and much more… Each chapter contains valuable tips and habits that you can apply to your life. I wrote this book because there are no such books out there (!), and … we have developed our relationship with Domestic Discipline so far, that I now consider myself as an expert 🙂
… write me you like it !
Click here to read a detailed description, or go to Amazon and click here for more!
Love,
Constance
Domestic submission 
I am in complete agreement with you. D/s and CDD and others are not about abuse. It is about a power exchange where the submissive yields in return for love, protection and guidance. Yes there are abusive males in domestic situations. Yes there are parents who beat their children. Yes, yes, yes the courts do a terrible job prosecuting rape and violence against women. Domestic discipline is completely different. On my blog I write ‘I believe spanking between consenting adults leads to closer and more intimate relationships. Spanking is not a kink, not a fetish, not a lifestyle, but rather, a healthy and honest means of communication.’ When I first started blogging ten years on a non-spanking blog, I wrote about women’s rights, politics and lots of poetry. In the first six months of blogging about a dozen women became regular commentators and even though I never once mentioned spanking on that blog, it turned out later they were all spankos! None of them were abused, in fact many of them in relationships wished their men would spank them harder and more often! They were also fiercely feminist and yielded to no one. It was an honor for me to talk with them through our blogs and several of the singles became close friends I met, and spanked in person. There is too much wrong with the world to not celebrate the relationships that work and if spanking, bondage, bruises and sexual dominance is what makes a relationship fly, then that is worth accolades not stones.
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Great comment !
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For some people, spanking can be a trigger for PTSD cause by childhood abuse. These women were often raised by authoritarian disciplinarians rather than nurturing parents. This can be particularly true for women raised by narcissistic mothers with a fundamentalist or orthodox religious mean streak. Entire psychological practices have been devoted to helping these women overcome their unfortunate childhoods.
My wife was more fortunate. While my wife mother was a gifted nurturer, she also had one of those dreaded hairbrushes. As a result, my wife was not only given the advantages of higher education, she admitted having to stand red bottomed in a corner after being taught a lesson over her mother’s knee.
It is equally important to realize the founders of the women’s rights movement were a couple of women slighted at a convention of abolitionists. Not surprisingly, therefore, later feminist rhetoric frequently incorporated many of the ideas familiar to those originally opposed to 19th century intuitionalized antebellum slavery.
Chief among the abolitionist concepts incorporated into feminism is the notion that women are perpetually enslaved by men with marriage being the primary example thereof. It follows, therefore, that spanking is equated in the feminist mind with flogging the slaves.
Some feminists, especially those exposed to women’s studies at large universities, are adept at baiting other women involved in domestic discipline relationships. There is also simply no way to appease them. In many cases, men and women inclined to consort with men, are their sworn enemy.
Also, as evidenced by divorce and never-married statistics, Western society is also going through a period where the needs and wants of the individual take prescient over those of the society. Men and women these days see each other as competition rather than as potential partners.
Prior to the 1970s, men and women were expected to marry and to work out their own problems. A privately administered spanking, usually in a bedroom, was one method of dispute resolution. Under some circumstances, it was expected even over the wife’s objections. This is no longer the case. As a result, marriage counselors and divorce lawyers make comfortable livings.
It is probably also worth pointing out that, just as some people have blue eyes and some people have brown eyes, some women are more comfortable being dominated by a man than are others. That said, there comes a time in almost every woman’s life when she knows she needs to be spanked.
One reason domestic discipline is so hard to explain arises from the fact that it derives from a visceral urge rather than cerebral logic. Its premise is based on perhaps 7,000 to 10,000 years of evolutionary interaction between men and women. In fact, the practice has been around for so long that predispositions may be encoded in human genetic makeup.
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Great comment !
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