Domestic discipline is not domestic violence

In my travels online, as I got more and more open about this life we live, I encountered questions about domestic violence… and some accusations… amazing how many folks want to save me from myself… well here’s a little tabular summary of what I believe are some key differences…
Elements Domestic Discipline Domestic Violence
Emotional environment
  • Loving, attentive and aware of each other’s needs & feelings.
  • Planned and controlled use of corporal consequence.
  • Wife is physically and emotionally ‘wired’ to desire spanking.
  • Wife feels husband is engaged and committed to their unity.
  • Wife feels valued and worthy.
  • Wife feels fearful, degraded, demoralized, lonely.
  • Event is impulsive, explosive (she may anticipate it is possible but often does not).
  • Wife’s desires and needs are not a factor in the husband’s choice of consequence.
  • Wife feels alienated from her husband.
Psychological environment
  • Consensual,
  • Open discussion of issues occurs before physical consequence applied.
  • Spanking occurs as an agreed upon consequence.
  • Focus is on her perceptions of her actions and their impact on the relationship.
  • The goal is resolution of conflict and closure.
  • Non-consensual.
  • Issues at stake are not open for discussion.
  • Focus is on one side, which is his perceptions of her failures and shortcomings.
  • After the fact husband may try to convince wife he was justified.
  • Strain predominates as issues are created by his actions rather than resolved.
Motivation of Husband
  • Applies a consequence specifically requested (in earlier discussions) by the wife
  • Addresses only issues agreed on as punishable
  • Clear the slate and help her resolve feelings of guilt.
  • Bonding, cuddling and sometimes sex after the spanking.
  • Selfish.
  • Lashes out in anger
  • Coerce the wife to see or do things his way
  • Punish the wife for wrongs done “to” him.
  • Force the outcome he wants which may include sex
Physical consequences
  • Open hand, strap, paddle, switch or cane used on bare or covered buttocks and occasionally upper thighs.
  • Skin of the bottom is reddened, occasionally bruised.
  • Fist, hand, foot or other objects used to batter whole body
  • Wife may be physically pushed or thrown into other objects (walls, furniture etc.)
  • Deep soft tissue, bone and organ injury common.

Also, since you already are here  🙂 I put a very comprehensive How-To together, for all the people out there who want to get in domestic discipline…

There are chapters on the lifestyle and introducing it, living life in the lifestyle, a detailed description of tools, and much more… Each chapter contains valuable tips and habits that you can apply to your life. I wrote this book because there are no such books out there (!), and … we have developed our relationship with Domestic Discipline so far, that I now consider myself as an expert 🙂

 … write me you like it !

Click here to read a detailed description, or go to Amazon and click here for more!



6 thoughts on “Domestic discipline is not domestic violence

  1. Most probably because of a generational gap, I do not wholly agree with the assessment. While the broader perspective is indeed accurate, not all wives voluntarily going over their husband’s knee are “physically and emotionally ‘wired’ to desire spanking.”

    Historically, the opposite has also proven to be true. After all, spanking is an effective deterrent to undesirable feminine behaviors. Even the very real possibility of spanking can encourage more appropriate behavior. A woman need necessarily “desire spanking” in order to understand its value in her life. This conflict becomes evident in women for whom spanking triggers an approach-avoidance response.

    Furthermore, while communication in paramount in a relationship, the fact is many mature women don’t need, much less want, lectures before being spanked. Most of the time, they know perfectly well what they did. Consequently, they just wanted to get discipline or punishment over with instead of having to dread it.

    Also, as a wife from an older generation pointed out, when a woman in a traditional marriage has been previously warned by her husband about doing something, and she does it anyway, more talking won’t do her any good. That’s when her husband needs to use his belt for something other than holding up his pants!

    Besides, after a couple has been around each other long enough, many explanations aren’t necessary. Sometimes a woman can tell by the tone of of a man’s voice that she is going to get a spanking. In addition, circumstances offer clues. Also, after so many decades together, one partner often knows what the other is thinking.

    I would further argue that because consent is often a product of circumstances, not all non-consensual spankings necessarily result in the “wife feel[ing] alienated from her husband.” In fact, the reverse is often true.

    For example, a wife may very well feel estranged from her husband before being spanked. Then, after it’s over, she feels closer to her husband. By the same token, a few generations ago, it was not unheard of for a woman to marry a man after being spanked on a date.

    Likewise, many brides in previous generations also understood promising to “obey” their husbands as part of their wedding ceremony was giving their husbands authority over them. Until a few generations ago, that promise implied a right of the husband to spank the wife whether or not she explicitly agreed to be spanked. Before the 1960s, women deferred to men. It was one of the glues that held marriages together.

    Furthermore, as other women have pointed out, the flow of emotions swirling around a woman being spanked may be both fluid and transient. Even in marriages where disciplining is expected, as another wife pointed out, sometimes there is a need “for everyone to collect their emotions after the spanking.” When my wife and I were growing up, this was know as giving a disciplined woman time to “regain her composure.”

    Despite hopes of eternal bliss, marriages are not as neat and clean as newlyweds wish. Unlike a fairy tale romances, no one lives together happily ever after. Life, much less married life, just isn’t that simple. Sometimes, it is down right messy. Of course, if marriages came with Hollywood scriptwriters, there would be no need for anything other than for couples to talk out problems. Professional marriage counseling would have ended divorce long ago.

    It is also worth pointing out that the term “domestic violence” is only about four decades old. Prior to that, hitting a woman anywhere but on her buttocks or back of her thighs was typically considered “wife beating.” However, sometimes the word “beat” was used to mean a severe spanking. As an example might be, “My husband is going to beat my butt when he finds out!”

    Not surprisingly, of course, hitting a wife on her buttocks was sometimes labeled “wife spanking.” More commonly, however, it was simply known as “spanking.” The age of the female didn’t matter. Spanking was generally considered a proper remedy for her misbehavior.

    The transition to a “domestic violence” mentality began when, in the wake of federal equal rights legislation, “spanking” no longer became a “family matter.” Within a few years, it got lumped in with “abuse,” “beating,” and “hitting.” By the early 1980s, amid a wave on anti-spanking hysteria, the changeover was almost complete. By the mid-1990s, the anti-spanking movement reached its peak.

    Perhaps the biggest difference the attitudes of previous generations and those of today is in the fact that divorce is considered to be socially more acceptable than spanking. Likewise, cohabitation is seen as a viable alternative to marriage. As society is finally discovering, these substitutes for old-fashioned marital stability are not without their problems.

    Strangely enough, however, making spanking a forbidden fruit may have sown the seeds of destruction for the anti-spanking movement. As someone pointed out, there are probably more boyfriends spanking their girlfriends these days than there were in the 1950s. Of course one reason is that most women coming of age before 1970 grew up being spanked. Consequently, not only had many unladylike behaviors been corrected by the time they married, these women knew perfectly well what behaviors were likely to get them spanked over a man’s knee!

    Still, these days, young couples are experimenting with spanking much like previous generations. The primary difficulty they face, when compared to previous generations, is their having to reinvent the wheel. While there is a lot more information on spanking available to them than was available when my wife and I were growing up, young couples often lack firsthand experience.

    Conversely, young women of previous generations could compare how her boyfriend spanked with how her father spanked. On the other hand, some men these days are apparently doing today what the young woman’s father should have done years ago! Given the interest in spanking, a fair number of women still desire men to dominate them.

    It is perhaps the desire for domination and stability, rather than any desire to be spanked, that still causes a woman to present her posterior for a man to spank.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Leaning In to Us and commented:
    One blogger’s take on what is and isn’t domestic discipline. In the wake of the viral stories from Stubenville and Stanford, the national conversation about consent is an important one. I’m continually stunned by the excuses criminals are given for their choices. If you’re touching someone who doesn’t want to be touched, that’s not OK. Spanking someone who hasn’t consented to you doing so is abuse and you belong in jail.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Here’s what most people don’t understand about law and consent. Traditions that people have practiced for hundreds, perhaps thousands, of years outlast laws prohibiting those customs.

      Moreover, like it or not, laws exist preserve the status quo. That is they tend to perpetuate traditions. As a result, any time someone uses laws to force social change, they are treading on thin ice. While it may work sometimes, many times it doesn’t.

      That was the real lesson of Prohibition in the 1920s. Even changing The Constitution of the United States with the 18th Amendment didn’t keep people from drinking liquor! In many ways, it encouraged it as a protest movement. For example, for the first time in American history, women started drinking with men. The result was the rise of sexual escapades that gave aging Victorians of the day heart palpitations.

      Then, a little over a decade later, the country had to pass the 21st Amendment to get rid of the mistake it made in passing the 18th Amendment. Nevertheless, the consequences of that social experimentation lingered for generations.

      Likewise, making it illegal to use recreational drugs hasn’t prevented people from snorting, smoking, and shooting up to get high. These days, some states are even challenging the federal government over the right to legally use and sell marijuana.

      Even the revolutionary overthrow of a government couldn’t change the way people did things. In this case, giving women absolute equality almost a century ago after the Bolsheviks killed the Tsar and his family couldn’t get rid sexism in the regions around Moscow. Just as soon as the Soviet regime collapsed some seven decades later, Russian women went right back to their traditional second class status.

      In time, much the same thing will occur in the United States as happened to Russian women when the Soviet Union passed into history. Once the laws demanding equality are gone, the old traditions will return. Along with it, legal enforceable notions of consent will, almost quite literally, disappear overnight.

      Why? Because the current arrangement is both unnatural and highly unstable. Essentially, it is a social bubble unique to time and place waiting to be pin-pricked by history.

      A rather obvious example is the idea that unwanted touching somehow constitutes an egregious offense reveals how far removed current thinking is from that of previous generations.

      After all, anyone whose been a teenager knows couples learn by fumbling around and making mistakes with each other. That’s why girls seldom wind up marrying their first boyfriend. Ideally, of course, those early missteps provide learning experiences that will make subsequent relationships more stable.

      Likewise, the suggestion that a non-consensual spanking should be prosecuted as rape shows just how far out of touch with reality feminism has transported the American mind into realms of domestic tomfoolery. Even a female Soviet journalist working in the United States at the time of the Soviet collapse wrote this feminist fantasy needed a reality check.

      Finally, when the current scheme finally falls apart, which it will, men and women will go back to doing what they’re done since at least the beginning of recorded history. Women will seduce men. Then women will submit to the authority imposed by the men they beguiled. It’s a story as old as humankind.


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