We’ve hit kind of a rough spot with submission and domination. Not a contentious one or anything, but one where I find myself struggling with a resistant part of my inner being, and not always prepared for the next wrinkle in Mark’s evolution as a dominant.
This past weekend I was in that pre-sick phase where my body ached and my mind was fuzz. Every time I turned around I complained about something or balked at simple questions and requests. Mark was tolerant because I had a fever and looked wiped out. Instead of showing annoyance or invoking his role as dominant to curb my whiney behavior, he nurtured and nursed me. I was pampered and indulged and loved. I sucked up to and absorbed every privileged second of it, and behaved like the kind of entitled beotch that I despise. I said thank you and please in all the right places, but I also whined and quibbled over details, like sugar versus honey in my tea and whether he should have heated the long or the short spelt neck warmer. I even got away with whining that he was doing it too hard with his thumbs when he gave me a shiatsu back and leg massage. He didn’t even spank once, and I was bare.
I bickered with Mark Monday morning when he thought I should stay home from work. I have some projects doing that really won’t keep, and it’s not like I provide patient care and might put patients at risk. I have disinfectant hand foam in my office & know better than to sneeze on my hands and pass around germs. Judicious use of sani-wipes & hand sanitizer are all I need to protect my coworkers. I got a stern warning that patients & coworkers were noble concerns, but not really who he cared about. I went to work over his firmly stated objection.
Tuesday was pretty much the same, if a little bit more earnest on his part.
Neither of us slept much Monday night. He had to get up and get me aspirin when I had teeth chattering shivers with a fever, and then we both had to get up and change the linen on the bed when I drenched the sheets with and aspirin induced sweat bath. I really did feel better by daylight though. I convinced him I could work at least half the day. He wasn’t happy, but let me have my way.
The blowjob by Sneezy episode Tuesday evening was my feeble attempt to quell what I felt deep inside. What I felt was a familiar undercurrent of tension; a tension that comes with the territory of my life as the submissive partner in a 24/7 DD or D/s relationship, when things aren’t balanced and are headed for correction.
It’s not that there has been any deliberate defiance on my part, but I have, over the past while, slowly taken every millimeter of latitude and exploited it. Circumstances have kept things rolling with events and timing so that latitude was exactly what Mark should have and needed to give me. But instead of taking it respectfully for the limited reason it was given for and giving it back when the need was over, I took it and kept it, and took more and kept it next time, and next and next, and then here I was as of yesterday morning, expecting that I could argue without recourse, expecting that I should have automatic understanding for any number of pressures and stresses on my plate. Here I was at an all too familiar place where he and we were secondary and I was primary.
Selfish is not my strong suit. I really hate it especially in myself. So, facing it when it looms large in my face is not high on my list of preferred experiences. But last night, and today, there it’s been.
Mark pulled in the reigns yesterday. I made him do it, although I think he was working up to it anyway.
I got home just a bit late from work and he was already here making supper. I’d kind of wanted to repeat Tuesday’s blowjob and see if I couldn’t do it without the comedy. Finding him ‘doing for me’ when I’d wanted and planned to ‘do for him’ made me scowl and grumble. I joined Mark in the kitchen and immediately whined in what I thought would sound like a silly pout. I knew there was more to my whine than a cute playful pout, but I really didn’t think he would. He did though, and it became clear immediately.
Mark took my phony overture of pouty play and turned it on me hard. Taking me by my hair when I tried to kiss him hello after whining at him, he yanked my head back and gave me a scowling look that wilted and confused me instantly.
“What did you say?”
I didn’t catch on properly. I tried explaining that I wanted to make him supper that I wanted to do for him, please him first before supper, and stupidly, insensitively I actually said that he was ruining it for me by making me supper.
“Go and get your collar and come back here.”
I hesitated and gaped and gulped like a fish out of water.
Still feeling whiney, but knowing better than to dare try and invoke sympathy, I fought the ‘I deserve sympathy’ tears that welled up in my eyes and fled to the bedroom. Fear, embarrassment, and anger; these things whirled in my mind. In all honesty, I’d felt this coming for well over a week. I knew it was needed, but all the same, I was not quite ready to let go of concessions and come back to my place as a fully responsible adult submissive in my relationship. I didn’t really like the icky vaguely unsatisfied feeling that came with having my way, even so, I liked the loving and nurturing way Mark it to me.
Immediately I struggled with knowing that I’d pushed my self centered interests too far, taken advantage of what should have been simple concessions, and that I’d debased Mark and his generativity and understanding in the process.
I retrieved my collar, took a whole lot of deep breaths and tried hard to find the will to let go of the indulged princess, who was desperately trying to cry and buck what was coming. I really don’t like her you know, but when I get to wear her clothes I do feel special. The crummy thing is when I get to where I actually brag to myself how special I am when I think I am her and am entitled to what she takes for granted. That’s where I was. Gawd! ICK! Man o Man!
I came back to Mark. I saw that split second waver in his expression that told me he could let the princess have her throne of she cried right now. That was exactly what I needed. Me, Constance, the real woman inside needed her place back. I handed Mark my collar and put the princess away.
He took it and ordered me to strip. I did. Naked, I stood in front of him in the middle of the kitchen. He stood back and looked at me. I already knew I’d fallen short as his submissive. He made sure I felt that acutely. Too much time passed while I was studied and scrutinized. Gooseflesh raised and I shivered.
Finally, thankfully, Mark placed my collar on me. As soon as it was on he asked me to tell him what was wrong with what had just occurred between us.
I struggled with it. I did finally admit that I knew that a good submissive would not question her Dominant’s offering of a meal or his right to prepare it. A good submissive would accept what her Dominant offered and gave her as the gifts they were. Gifts are not obligations. A good submissive doesn’t expect gifts, she earns and deserves them
Yes I deserved the freedom and allowances I was given. I deserved and he wanted me to have every nurturing and indulgent privilege he gave me. Where I fell short was in not respecting them and daring to reach a point where I ‘expected’ them.
I knew it. I wanted to cry, and I couldn’t stop the silent tears that trickled down my face, but I agreed with him. He was right, and the undercurrent tension released almost immediately.
I was sent to get the rattan loop cane and the thin school master strap; two of the most serious implements in his arsenal. Mark went back to making supper.
I ate supper after being given 30 solid “you have earned this” whipping licks with the strap. This schoolmaster strap is more than a quarter of an inch thick, and less than a half an inch wide. It packs all of the deep fire breathing tissue shearing assault of a cane without the deeper later effects. It can be used longer and harder with almost none of the risk of damage but virtually all of the agony of a caning. 30 full force and without any stops is a lot!
After supper, I cleaned the kitchen.
Then I asked for permission and was allowed to give him a proper blow job. The abrasion my teeth made on his penis on Tuesday needed some care first, but I was able to do it without any comedy this time. I wore his cum on my face, neck & chest all evening.
We watched TV, read on line. I kneeled beside him, he lay stretched out on the sofa. I posted about how I have succeeded in submitted to figging to a post made by B. Mark smiled and agreed that I was a good submissive then.
Before we went to bed I asked for a serious caning using the loop cane. It was his pleasure to give me what I needed.
When I cuddled up with Mark as we snuggled under the covers last night, I admitted my selfishness and the fact that I had become complacent and had taken his generativity for granted.
I asked to be properly punished. His decision is that I am not allowed to cum without permission for 6 weeks and I should post something about my deprivation as it relates to the selfishness that prompted it at least three times during the period.
What is it about being a submissive that I need, desire and thrive with? It is that what we have and share is mutual, touches and meets deep seated needs and desires we share. Neither of us is better or more important than the other. He is my leader and my dominant because I need him to be, he thrives in this role, and I am submissive to him because this is the role in which I thrive. Neither of us is can be selfish without risking the balance we need to maintain D/s.
So, here we go. A struggle with a new level begins….
Also, since you already are here 🙂 I put a very comprehensive How-To together, for all the people out there who want to get in domestic discipline…
There are chapters on the lifestyle and introducing it, living life in the lifestyle, a detailed description of tools, and much more… Each chapter contains valuable tips and habits that you can apply to your life. I wrote this book because there are no such books out there (!), and … we have developed our relationship with Domestic Discipline so far, that I now consider myself as an expert 🙂
… write me you like it !