Earlier, Mark may or may not have indirectly brought attention to the fact that I have not blogged this week.
So, I’m blogging. It is a rule that I blog at least once a week now, but as I have a personal rule that this blog be pretty straight forward and unfiltered, when there are important things afoot, that I wish to not discuss publicly, I often refrain from blogging.
But rules are rules, and I am working on following all of them, whether I like them or not, and whether I feel like I have a good reason to disregard them or not. Because it’s not my responsibility to decide why or if I should obey. Autonomy is not a privilege I have been granted. And that’s not an epiphany. It just is what it is.
But that doesn’t mean that I don’t have the privilege to disagree with Mark’s viewpoints from time to time. As long as I am respectful and obedient, that is a privilege I have been granted, and one I am learning to exercise. It makes us both happier in the long run.
One thing on which we disagree is the level of attachment that is appropriate in our relationship.
While I completely agree with him that we want to avoid creating a debilitating dependence in which I am unable to function without him, I do believe that there is a level of attachment that is both natural and helpful in strengthening our dynamic, because if I am going to give him 100% of myself and genuinely relinquish my autonomy, I need to care in a way that goes beyond simple respect.
Caring is healthy. Caring doesn’t mean that if I don’t speak to him for a day or two, my world crumbles around me and I start wearing all black and never leave the house, cursing God for his cruelty. It means that I smile when the phone rings and it’s his name on the caller ID, or that when something funny happens at work, I share it with him so he can laugh, too. It also means that when I have a bad day, he’s on the short list of the People I Call.
I’m a strong, independent woman, whatever that means. I can fend for myself. I survive quite well in the day to day, my need for therapy notwithstanding.
I hand 100% of myself over because I want to. It makes me happy. I know that these dynamics are not tit for tat, and I would be very unhappy if they were. That I can get anywhere. While I expect mutual respect (in the form that we determine), I don’t feel entitled to affection in return, though it does make my heart happy when it happens.
I’m not writing this as a way to extract artificial attachment from Mark. If he wants to erect those walls that make it easy for him to walk away from anything or anyone at a moment’s notice, that’s his deal. I understand the value of a well built defense. But I’m trying to knock down my own walls as a matter of personal growth.
I’m not asking for anything in return for my attachment, aside from acceptance that I freely give it in a way that is healthy and flexible. I can take it back at anytime and give it to someone else instead, but I don’t want to.
I choose you.
Also, since you already are here 🙂 I put a very comprehensive How-To together, for all the people out there who want to get in domestic discipline…
There are chapters on the lifestyle and introducing it, living life in the lifestyle, a detailed description of tools, and much more… Each chapter contains valuable tips and habits that you can apply to your life. I wrote this book because there are no such books out there (!), and … we have developed our relationship with Domestic Discipline so far, that I now consider myself as an expert 🙂
… write me you like it !