I’m rather new to domestic discipline (we started around 2012, and introduced it really in 2013) and not exactly an expert. That’s why I want to talk about the introduction of domestic discipline in our household today… it has made my life so much better :))) .
This really became so long…
- Why I so desperately longed for domestic discipline
- Why I’m happier than ever
- Why no one in my real life knows about it
- What my husband’s role is these days and how I got him on board
- Why it has nothing to do with domestic violence
- What it has to do with BDSM (and why it is not exactly BDSM!)
First things first. When we got into our marriage, we had a good sex life! Mark already gave me some light slappings and he knew that I liked it rough. However, I always thought it lacked something. I felt empty sometimes and had waves of all kinds of feelings, and I really couldn’t stand them. Therefore, I got sometimes really snarky and bitchy just to deal with it. Things have changed since we introduced domestic discipline – I’m more calm, relaxed, and much less bratty. However, to get there, it took us a long route, and when researching the internet I sometimes found some rather sleazy sites. While I love being naughty and will post occasionally naughty pics ( I have his permission to do this!), it was difficult to find good resources with actual stories.
As a short reminder, this is not some sleazy internet corner blog here – I’m talking about a topic which receives a fair amount of attention (and controversy, unfortunately). A lot of explaining has to be done so that people understand Domestic Discipline is not evil. Here is a video snippet from Oprah, and the topic is (Christian) Domestic Discipline.
So here comes mine. Please keep in mind that not all domestic discpline relationships are the same – for example, we only use spanking as punishment, but I know that others use corner time, bed time, and other nonviolent methods of punishment. Still, I think that my experiences can serve as a guide to implementing domestic discipline. And by the way, as of lately we’ve been adding some rougher BDSM elements =).
Why I desperately longed for domestic discipline
What took me long time to understand was that, as a woman, I want to be submissive; I like to obey and I need a stronger, guiding power in my life. I want someone who cares for me, loves me, holds me dear, but also disciplines me and who is generally an anchor in my life.
Mark, and pretty much all the other men I meet before him, wanted an equal relationship. He really believed in the 50 / 50 share. And he never wanted to steer or guide my life, far from it. As a woman, and I’m 100% not the only one, I felt in this situation some kind of power vacuum. Nobody was leading.
This power vacuum and lack of leadership lead me to all kinds of feelings as described above: I became snarky, bratty, and so on. I regularly started arguments for the sake of getting angry. If a man just lets everything slide and doesn’t show me the borders, I lose my respect for him.
And then, one day, I heard of this book Fifty Shades of Grey. Yes I know – it sounds way too cheesy that a woman could have actually been brought by this book to a domestic discipline lifestyle, but that’s exactly what happened.
It took me maybe an hour to figure that I’m really into domestic discipline as a lifestyle, and that I want BDSM in my sex life.
I needed my husband to discipline me, to control me, to steer me. That was the void I always had- no one steered me, yet I yearned it.
As a woman, personally I don’t want to lead. I want to follow. My husband, instead, is my leader. It’s the natural order (for me). He enforces his authority over me in whatever way he sees fit.
My husbands role: men are natural leaders
I want to stress that our marriage is very consensual. My husband just doesn’t spanks me – before introducing domestic discipline in our marriage, we created a set of strict rules which I have to adhere. We also have guidelines on the resulting punishments. This is a strictly consensual relationship and I want to remember that I introduced domestic discipline in our marriage!
My husband is supposed to be the rational one in our household. He runs the household for its greater good and is supposed to be wise. And he is. We obviously talk about „the big decisions“ and decide together. But the day-to-day business is my husband’s. I myself am just someone who needs their leader.
I trust my husband entirely. I know he will not use his power to abuse or mistreat me- not only because I wouldn’t have said „yes“ to abuser to begin with. Instead, he does it because he loves me and our daughter. Daddy is the boss of the house! I can’t count how many times he does nice things to me and he also is very creative. He cares for us so dearly… He fulfills my dreams and is the perfect man ❤ !!
Still, I had some difficulties getting him on board. It took some time!
How I got my husband on board
First of all, only talking about this whole topic was difficult for me. I wasn’t exactly experienced and it took me already some time to figure out what I wanted. Before talking about it, I really had no idea on how he would react.
- Would he be disappointed?
- Would he lose respect for me?
- Would he consider me not valuable anymore because I renounced from “modern” equality?
- How would he react to my proposal about domestic discipline?
- Would he take it seriously?
- Or laugh at me?
Just the next points are the punishments. He’s such a gentleman and would certainly refuse to spank a lady. Although we already (sometimes, he grew fast into it <3) in the bedroom, he believed in true household equality.
These were the things which stood in my way and made it difficult to talk about it.
You can read more about this in the first part of the series of how we got into domestic discipline, and finally, when the actual spankings began, in the second part of the series.
Why it has nothing to do with domestic violence
People might be inclined to say: „Hey that’s domestic violence.“
It’s not! The difference between our domestic discipline and domestic violence is clear: here I am in loving submission and not in fearful submission. I want to submit myself to him as our leader, but he still wants my opinion, my ideas, and even my debate. However, he demands me to be respectfully, without complaining or being snarky. I know for sure how he loves me and that he would never abuse, maltreat, or use violence on me. I still get spanked (because I find all kinds of reasons for him to do it <3), but he does it out of love; not out of anger or cruelty.
What it has to do with BDSM (and why it’s not exactly BDSM!)
Our marriage slowly evolved into BDSM relationship as of lately, but it’s not a typical BDSM relationship (as far as I can tell 😉 ) . BDSM relationships are not really submissive anyway, because there is a safe word to stop it. By having this, men have no real power, because they can only discipline her as long as she wants it. In our household, we have no safe word- we don’t need it.
Instead, I gave Mark a final approval for our rules. These will be followed, and if I fail to comply, punishment will ensue. Yes, I guarantee you that the first time you get spanked by your husband, you will cry and plead for him to change his mind, but he needs to maintain his position as the head of the household.
Of course, he still also slaps me during sex and it has gotten increasingly rougher over the years, but I will talk about that somewhere else :).
In one sentence: domestic discipline will allow you to experience true submission: giving yourself to your husband entirely and being in a loving relationship with him, where natural order upholds.
What are your thoughts? If you have some, please share them as comment with me ! If you want to find out more about spanking implements, which are necessary, please check this article out, too.
Also, since you already are here 🙂 I put a very comprehensive How-To together, for all the people out there who want to get in domestic discipline…
There are chapters on the lifestyle and introducing it, living life in the lifestyle, a detailed description of tools, and much more… Each chapter contains valuable tips and habits that you can apply to your life. I wrote this book because there are no such books out there (!), and … we have developed our relationship with Domestic Discipline so far, that I now consider myself as an expert 🙂
… write me you like it !